My 3-step conversation pattern for handling unhelpful behaviour in meetings

That person who is late

That person who didn't prepare

That person who talks over others

That person who keeps going down rabbit holes

That person with a hidden agenda

 

(Hang on - you’ve been in a meeting with me recently?!)

 

We’ve all been late to a meeting.

We’ve all run out of time to prepare.

We’ve all interrupted someone.

We’ve all gone taken a meeting on a not-useful tangent.

We’ve all tried to get something for ourselves out of a conversation, without being upfront about it.

 

“That person” is me, you, all of us at various times.

 

When we all do something together, there is a social contract in place - it’s not written down but it’s the shared understanding of the behaviour that’s expected.

 
There is lots we can talk around how to make that unspoken contract more explicit - and that’s for another FrictionFree later this month!

There is lots we can say about how to set boundaries as we invite people to a session - I’ll share this one in Feb!

But today, I’m going to talk about how to handle it when people repeatedly break the social contract.

 

What's the sure-fire way to handle these in the moment?

Tempting as it might be, if I can possibly manage it:

 

I don’t shame people.

I don’t do passive aggression.

I don’t ignore it.

 

Instead, I talk with high honesty AND high respect for the person AND in service of the group and its goals.

And here is my 3-step conversation guide: Validate-Appreciate-Boundary (V-A-B) - a structure for responding to almost any kind of conflict or issue in a meeting.

Validate

Show you understand their point / behaviour

 

Appreciate

Value the highest intention you see

 

Boundary

Refocus everyone on the content/behaviour/scope/constraints you set out at the beginning - or reinforce a boundary if needed

 

Bonus: offer choices

  

You don’t have to use these in order. Just reflect all three somehow in what you say.

  

Here are some examples.

(As you’ll see, tone is everything. The same words can become passive aggressive rapidly based on tone.)

 

That person who didn't prepare

Validation: "Let’s acknowledge, we are all pulled in multiple directions at once."

Appreciation: "You are juggling competing priorities - I see that!"

Boundary: "This meeting is crucial for [this purpose] - we need to come ready to…"

Bonus choices: "Is it possible to do that prep before or does it make sense to extend the meeting and complete it together in the room?"

 

That person who talks over others

Validation: "The point you are making is an important one."

Appreciation: "I know how keen you are to make sure we understand it and take account of it."

Boundary: "In this session, I want to hear everyone’s perspective in full. Jake… let’s come back to you."

 

That person who keeps going down rabbit holes

Validation: "It’s really important that we base our decisions on the most accurate data"

Appreciation: “Thank you Tomaz for preparing these figures and thank you Hayley for drawing out more precision.”

Boundary: “What’s our next step?”

 

That person who is always late

I actually skip validation with this one!

Appreciation: “We hugely value your contribution in this session and I don’t want to miss any of it”

Boundary: “We need the full 30 minutes to work together in this session”

Bonus choices: “Would it help to move the meeting time or can we start together at 11 next time?”

 

That person with a hidden agenda

Validation: Bring the hidden agenda into the open and validate it like this: “I’m conscious it could be important to you to…” / “It’s your job to make sure that…” / “It would be completely reasonable for you to want to…"

Appreciation: “Thank you for bringing [that hidden agenda] to the table”

Boundary: “Today, we’re focusing on [this agenda]”

Bonus choices: “Do we want to include [that hidden agenda] in our conversation today?”

There are no perfect ways to respond and you have to choose your own words and tone. These are words I have used in the past.

And let's acknowledge that some people, particularly those with privilege, don't like coming up against people with less privilege or power setting boundaries. The feeling is... we need some rules, but I'm allowed to break them when I want to.

What V-A-B does is allow you to position a boundary in a way that full respects and values both parties. It's an entirely reasonable place to stand. That doesn't mean you'll never get resistance in the moment. But you've done everything you can to create a road you can walk along together.

 

And this is the really important bit (don't miss this bit!)

When you ask yourself what is ‘right’ about what they are saying/doing, you are widening your perspective and capturing any available value from their behaviour.

When you ask yourself what the highest intention of their words or behaviour could be, you are elevating yourself out of the negative assumptions you're making about them, based on what they did.

When you ask yourself ‘what's my boundary here?’, you are cleanly defining what you are actually asking of them.

 

As always, the work is as much about handling ourselves as about handling the other person :-)