How I handle obnoxious questions in meetings

"Forgive me, did you mean to make it so basic?"

"And you think this will work?"

"Sorry, why am I here again?"

Ouch.

You know those questions that really catch you off guard. That sudden flash of white adrenaline in your bloodstream. Or perhaps the pit of the stomach with that 'here we go...' feeling. 

Those questions that feel like they've got not one but TWO question marks at the end.

Wait, did they really just ask that? 

Everyone's watching, waiting to see how you'll respond.

I mean, have you even BEEN to a meeting if you haven't been caught off guard with an obnoxious question? 😭

So much to say, but let's start here.

Wait, did they really just ask that? 

Now, not all obnoxious questions are created equal. 

Some questions strike fear into our heart but uncover the truth very quickly, if we can handle them right.

Some are genuinely self-serving/seeking.

Some questioners are unskilled. They didn’t know how to ask something important in a different way.

One totally annoying part of being a human is that there will always been a gap between what we mean and what is heard and what we hear and what was meant.

When we are asked a seemingly obnoxious question:

• We can't truly know what they meant
• Likewise, they can't truly know what we heard

Here's a nice example:

In the end, my approach to dealing with any question that triggers me (and my brain perceives as obnoxious) is EXACTLY the same. I don't worry about the intention - as Corine says, thankfully not everything is about us! I just think about my response. 

When people ask questions that are 'unhelpful' or ask good questions in unhelpful ways, they are communicating a need. 

The question is: can I understand and then address their real need?

What I say and do

Here's my sequence and it's always doing something more than another. I don't have a judgement or assumption button I can just switch on and off. So having some things I say and do in the moment, helps me pick more of the one I want. 

1. Listening over judging

I'll say to myself: That's what I heard. It might not be want they meant. I'm ok, I'm safe. Let's find out a bit more.

I'll do: take a beat, a breath.

2. Responding over reacting

I'll say to myself: What actually matters in this moment? OK, I heard X - but what ACTUALLY matters right now.

I'll do: I might even jot down what matters in my notepad.

3. Checking over assuming

I'll say to myself: "It sounds like... / Let me check I understand the question.... / Can you ask that a different way ..."

I'll do: I will force myself to breathe and listen.

4. Validating over combating

I'll say: “Thank you. That's a really important question.. /  I'm glad you asked that... /  I can see that's hugely important”

I'll do: Make it clear with my eye contact that I'm agreeing with their level of concern

5. Addressing needs over dismissing them

I'll say: "So what I'm taking from this is that X is crucial / you want to be at the heart of Y / you are very concerned about Z"

I'll do: I'll write this up somewhere we can all see, including an action if appropriate. I want to be able to point at it later.

Often this is enough but sometimes it isn't.

6. If addressing their need didn't meet their need, then I'm setting a boundary or container.

I'll say: “Let's make a time to talk more about that afterwards / Let me give that some thought and come back to you / Your concern is very much heard - and I do want us to get to other concerns and questions"

I'll do: I'll point up at where I've written it and move on. I'll keep doing this every time it's raised. I'll do this warmly. 

And if that's still not enough, then the real need has not been met.

Time for a 1:1 with that person - repeating all those steps above again but going deeper and getting to the need behind the need.

And of course, let's acknowledge, that some people have deep unmet needs which I cannot address in a meeting OR a 1:1 afterwards. So I take as much action as can be reasonably expected to meet it - and accept that there may still be a deficit.

I'm cheering you on from the sidelines!