How to change a meeting you're not leading

Point of view: We all contribute to the energy and productivity of every meeting we go to (AKA you have more agency thank you think)

Let's imagine... you've been invited to a meeting. You're not the organiser or one of the loudest voices.

You feel the meeting is not going well (I'll leave the specifics to your imagination!)

What are your options?

1. Sit there, wait it out. All meetings come to an end, right? 

2. Same again, this time sit there but feel super frustrated. What a waste of my time. They always do this. Why can't they lead it better / include people / prepare in advance?

3. Take positive action. 

Tempting as #1 and #2 are (and I have done 2 so many times...), let's explore #3. 

What's your intention?

First we'll start with mindset as always.

Why do you want to sort this meeting out? To right a wrong? To show you are right/better/more skilful? Or to contribute?

Remember the drama triangle where we explored how easy it is to end up in the role of victim, persecutor or rescuer?

Can you set aside your frustration, assume the "most generous interpretation" (MGI) of what's going wrong - and contribute in service of the group?

Ok, good. This is going to help.

So what are your options for taking positive action in this meeting, in service of of the group and its work?

My go-to approach: ask questions

If they are posed with the intention of 'contribution' or 'service' or 'catalyst', questions help focus the group's attention on a the content and process. Questions can clarify, unblock and generate.

Here's my list of 22 questions that I've found most helpful (and acceptable to ask as an attendee). 

Always with the intention of supporting the team, project or goal in mind, here are some thoughts about how to handle...

Lack of clarity at the beginning?

1. What outcomes are we hoping to get from today? 

2. How would you like me/to contribute? How can I best help you today? 

3. What’s the best use of our time together? 

Unclear about the stage of the meeting?

4. Is this for information, or would you like us to respond in any way? 

5. Are we just exploring options today or trying to make a decision? 

6. What would you like us to be doing at this stage of the meeting? 

Conversations going off track?

7. Going back to the objective of this meeting, how about we...?

8. It sounds like we might now be talking about X rather than Y... is that the conversation you’d like  us to have today?  

9. Would it be helpful if we did a quick round of responses so you can see how each of us views it? 

10. It really helpful to understand how people see X - and would we like to continue this, or move on to Y? 

11. Shall we capture the pros and cons on the wall? 

12. Shall we book a time to talk about that outside of this meeting? 

 
Lack of clarity about what is being agreed?

13. Do we feel we have enough information to make a decision on this? 

14. Is that a decision we can make here today?  

15. Do we feel that’s a decision? Shall we take that as a decision, then? 

16. Would it help to dot vote on the options? 

17. Is this is a decision we need to make now or shall we car park it for next time? 

Lack of clarity about what happens next?

18. What’s the next step for this? 

19. How do you see us taking this forward?

20. How would we make this happen? 

21. Are there any blockers to starting this? 

22. Who would be responsible for this?

Which of these gave you an 'aha moment'?

What are your favourite questions to ask?  

Whether you planning and booked the meeting yourself - or literally have no idea why you're there.

Whether you are running it or finding it difficult to get a word in.

Whether you are the most senior person there ... or you started with the company yesterday.

If you're in the room, you have agency - even if it doesn't feel like it.