Rupture is mandatory at work - but repair is the golden skill

There is almost nothing worse than rupture in a relationship at work. But it’s all part of a cycle - here’s how to handle it. 

You know that feeling. Your stomach tightens. Your mind replays a conversation on a loop. Why did they say that? Why didn’t they include me? Did I overstep? How could they behave like that? You might try to brush it off, but if it lingers that’s rupture.

Rupture happens when trust, understanding, or connection is disrupted. It can be clear and dramatic, or the sum of small things over time. Decisions made without our input, messages left unanswered.

What you need to understand is that every human relationship is built on a cycle of connection, rupture and repair.

Anything that needs a relationship strong enough to get an important job done like raise children or run an organisation, rupture is not optional. It is BAKED IN.

But it has to be followed by repair otherwise the relationship stays stuck in rupture and disconnection - and that’s how relationships break.

You simply cannot be successful in any relationship without the skills to repair.

Rupture is a fiddly beast 

Most ruptures happen when something brushes up against our identity - when we feel unheard, dismissed, or misunderstood. 

The tricky part? 

We often know when we’ve felt a rupture, but we don’t always realise when someone else has.

In organisations, people often hesitate to acknowledge rupture because they fear there’s no safe path to repair. If I bring this up, will it make things worse? What if the other person doesn’t care? 

And then there’s the question of who’s to blame. Were they out of line? Did I misinterpret what they did? AITA?

A new way to think about rupture - as the way to good relationships, not the impediment 

Some teams are fragile when it comes to rupture. They ignore issues, let resentments build, and avoid difficult conversations. Over time, relationships suffer, and the organisation weakens. 

Anti-fragile teams (the concept developed by Nassim Nicholas Taleb), on the other hand, treat rupture as an opportunity. They address issues head-on, repair relationships, and grow stronger in the process. Every time a team successfully navigates a rupture, trust deepens. The organisation becomes more resilient.

Should I bring this up, or let it go?

Not every rupture needs to be discussed. Some are fleeting, minor irritations that resolve themselves. But others, if left unspoken, will shift the course of a relationship or an entire organisation. The key question to ask is: If nothing changes, where does this road lead? If the answer is to a place you don’t want to go, it’s time to address the rupture.

What are the four stages of repair? 

Repair isn’t about agreeing on everything. And it’s actually different from an apology as Dr Becky Kennedy explains in her TEDx talk where she argues repair is the single most important parenting strategy.

Repair is:

1. Acknowledgment: We each explain how we experienced the situation. “I saw it like this…, I felt like this…”
2. Attunement: We recognise and validate each other’s experiences, even if they don’t agree with the perspective. “I can see that this affected you in this way…”
3. Reconnection: We find a way to re-establish trust. This can be through words, amends or simply presence.
4. Recommitment: We decide how to work together going forward. “What can we do differently next time?”

This can be a 2-minute conversation like this one with my tiny daughter this morning:

“I can see you really didn’t want to clean your teeth and when I rushed you, you hated it! I’m sorry - let’s start cleaning our teeth earlier tomorrow so we have more time”

Or it might be something you need multiple sessions to work through and maybe some help from a third party.

Most repairs will be somewhere in between. Most than a sentence, less than mediation!

If you sense a rupture but don’t know how to begin, try:

• “What’s on your mind?” (A neutral, open-ended question.)
• “Tell me how that was for you.” (Give the other person control over what they share.)
• “How did that make you feel?” (Acknowledge their experience.)
• “What can I do to support you going forward?” (Show commitment to change.)

Why do some people find repair harder than rupture?

For some, the repair process is more painful than the rupture itself. It brings up deep-seated fears about identity and self-worth. 

The experiences we had with our caregivers as children massively shapes how we respond to rupture and repair. That one’s for another article! 

How do we make rupture and repair normal in our organisation?

The first step is simply to name it. Many workplaces operate without a shared understanding of rupture and repair. Just having the language for it makes a difference. Schools, for example, teach children how to navigate conflict. Adults need this too.

Historically, most of us weren’t raised in families where our parents modelled repair. Apologies were rare. Many people in leadership today struggle with the idea that they should acknowledge harm at all. And on the other side, many people expect constant validation and feel that every slight needs addressing. This creates an intergenerational tension. But at its core, rupture and repair is about maintaining connection, not assigning blame.

What tools can help me handle rupture and repair?

Beyond the four steps above, there are many methods for diving deeper into rupture and repair. Some that stand out include:

Nonviolent Communication: A structured way to express feelings and needs without blame.

Brené Brown’s ‘Rumble’:  A framework for digging into difficult conversations.

Byron Katie’s ‘The Work’:  A process for examining our own role in a rupture before confronting others.

As a leader, what can I do differently?

You don’t need a formal policy to foster a culture of repair. The most powerful thing you can do is model it yourself:

• Notice when rupture has happened, whether in yourself or others.
• Be the one to initiate repair.
• Set the tone that acknowledging rupture isn’t a weakness but a strength.
• Encourage your team to develop a shared language around rupture and repair.
 

So what’s the real takeaway here?

Rupture is inevitable - it is a mandatory part of being in a relationship with another human! The best teams, relationships and organisations aren’t the ones that never experience rupture. They’re the ones that become stronger because of it.

So, where in your life or work is there an unresolved rupture waiting to be repaired? And what’s one step you can take today to begin that process?