How the Drama Triangle can help you understand and avoid conflict

Dear Leader,

With support for who you are and everything you do, here's how I see you in meetings

 

Maybe you’ve read the books. You’ve been on a life changing leadership programme. You consider yourself an good’n’experienced leader.

Or perhaps you are nearer the start of your leadership journey. You’ve been a manager for a while and you are developing fast as someone people see as a leader.

Either way, there is literally nowhere that your leadership is more on show - or can have more impact than in meetings.

What you say and do in meetings tells people everything they need to know about you. We spend so much time in them. They are the main way people experience you as a leader.

And if you think about it, meetings are the ultimate theatre for leadership. People are not only interacting with you but also carefully observing how you treat others.

What an opportunity 🙂

In today’s FrictionFree, I’m going to take the role of someone in your meetings and I’m going to show you exactly what I see.

I want to give you a window on how your leadership can show up, for better or for worse, based on what people tell me in depth interviews about their meeting experiences.

I've picked the six that come up over and over and over. 

What people say about meetings doesn't mean they are 'right' - it's just how they see things.

Use what’s useful, discard what isn’t.

Let’s go.

 

I want you to be more precise

One of your main jobs is to help me translate the organisation’s strategy and priorities so I know what I should be devoting my time and energy to.

Sometimes, I need you to be more clear - but that doesn’t mean it has to be black and white. Just show me more precisely how it is.

✅ If something is clear, be clear about it - don’t go round the houses. Tell me the priority and the three things that means for me (for example).

✅ If it’s not clear (or not clear yet), tell me. Say “we don’t know the answer to this (yet)” or “We are in still figuring this out. What do you need to make progress in the meantime?”

In other words, if precision is needed/possible, bring it. If the door needs to stay open, tell me that - and help me know what to do next.

I want to know exactly how this decision is going to be made

Often you say “we need to make a decision on this” but I’m never quite sure if this means we are deciding by together, by consensus or vote, or if you are essentially consulting with us and you’re going to make the decision.

So about this decision.

✅ If you’ve made it already but want to check we agree, totally fine - just tell me that.

✅ If you’re going to make it but you want our insights first, totally fine - just tell me that.

✅ If we are making it together, great - but tell me the process (or the discussion “exit strategy” - thank you Juliet Funk) so I know how to contribute.

✅ If we are not actually making a decision e.g. it’s something we might decide but later be undecided by someone else - that’s fine too, I get it. But let’s not frame it as a decision.

 

I want you to make a ‘strong’ space

I totally get that no one can make it 100% safe for me to share my views - and they don’t need to. I’m usually happy to speak up.

But I can contribute more, better, faster, if you make it a strong space.

So this means I really welcome you:

✅ Setting the tone and any ground rules for the meeting at the start so I know how to contribute and I know what to expect from others.

The rules don’t need to be overly formal or draconian - but let’s agree out loud what’s needed from this session and what’s not helpful.

For example, you might say “Today we’re going to explore what we think we most help lift sales figures next quarter. Inevitably we’re going to reflect on what hasn’t worked but we’ll start with the assumption that everyone bust a gut last quarter and made the most of the resources they had at the time.”

✅ Intervening if the conversation starts to get blamey or personal. Again, nothing heavy-handed but I need you to hold the space you described at the beginning so that I can keep contributing my best.

Basically, I want you to help us disagree in a way that doesn’t break relationships. I need to know you’ll keep that container ‘strong’. I want you to help us draw the line between holding each other accountable (helpful) and blaming each other (unhelpful).

And please (and I can’t stress this enough), don’t suddenly switch your tone out of nowhere in a meeting. We’ve built up trust and a sudden and public ‘flick’ from you destroys it in moments.

I want you to respect my time

Things run over, schedules are hectic - I totally get that. But if you’re a few minutes late (or 5+ minutes late!) for most meetings or you cancel last minute, I inevitably assume that our session isn’t very important and I’m much less willing to be open and candid.

The knock on is that it reduces my trust in you. I really like working with you and I want us to have a strong, high trust relationship. But being late a lot introduces doubt:

✅ Do you care about this work?

✅ Do you feel my time is less important that yours? (ouch, sorry)

✅ Can you even get your sh*t together?

Please try to get to the vast majority of our sessions at the start time.

If you are unavoidably late - no problem, just let me know your ETA so I can make a plan for how to continue.

If you really do need to take a call or send an email while we’re in the meeting, tell us you need to do this and then show you appreciate us waiting.

I want you to be the same person inside and outside the meeting

We all flex our approach with context - that’s good and healthy. But when what you said to me in a 1:1 conversation is at odds with what I’m hearing from you in a group meeting - that reduces my trust and goodwill.

✅ It makes me think you have a political agenda.

✅ It makes me question whether you have my best interests at heart.

✅ It makes me wonder if you know what you’re doing.

 

I want you to step back so I can step forward

I’m good at my job and I want to learn more. I have lots to contribute. But I find you sometimes jump in if you’re not 100% sure of what I’m going to say. Or when people default to you and your opinion, you let them.

I want you to embolden me and trust me.

So I really welcome it when you:

✅ Speak last rather than first

✅ Defer to me, when someone defaults to you

✅ Leave gaps so that I have space to jump in with a contribution.

 

Thanks for listening! 

(and remember, use what's useful and discard what isn't)