Three ways I diffuse egos and big personalities in meetings

If egos are creating problems in a meeting I lead, here’s what I do.

Actually firstly, here’s what I don't do.

Minimum entry level: stop colluding with ego.

I don't give each ego a few deft strokes which avoids conflict (short term gain for me) but assures them and everyone else in the meeting that, yes, we see and honour your ego today (long term loss for everyone).

I don't use my gaze and eye contact to signal who I am ‘really’ addressing my contribution to.

I don't let only the ego-voices contribute. I make absolutely sure that I specifically draw out others.

Colluding with ego is just a way to avoid coming into conflict with power and ending up being ‘de-powered’ yourself.

But it’s MUCH harder to diffuse ego later in a meeting if you have already contributed to inflating it yourself.

This is a good start, but lack of collusion can destablise a meeting, creating a power vacuum where weird dynamics can play out.

So I also try to create a ‘strong space’ in which power is shared with clarity and ego is naturally diffused.

Here are my go to three strategies:

Let me introduce you to the 'strong space statement'

How I open a meeting sets the tone.

If ego is at play, I’m less likely to to invite the group to set the tone as an opening exercise (something I do regularly in my meetings).

How does someone being out-powered by ego say “Hey, in this meeting, everyone’s voice matters, ok”?

So I’m probably going to set the tone myself, using the authority and voice entrusted to me as the meeting host.

And I’m going to use a ‘strong space statement’ which essentially says… today, in THIS session, this is what is important and these are the acceptance behaviours.

Something like this:

“All ideas generated today will be freely contributed and generously shared. Everyone’s ideas are sought and no ideas are owned.”

Or this:

“Today, it's important we hear perspectives from EVERY angle including A, B, C and D” <— and here I’m going to name domains or angles I want included that I know cover the diversity of the group.

For emphasis, I might write them in the chat, on the whiteboard etc.

I might also ask what perspectives I have missed and add them to the list.

Now we have a visual reminder and I can also use it to curate a ‘round’ at any point.

The power of an opening round

Not the first time I’ve said this - but opening with a round, where everyone answers the same question succinctly, sets the tone for equal and open contribution.

It also allows everyone to get some content in the room early on which can build their presence and credibility.

Good opening questions that help people establish their role include:

"What do you want to leave this meeting with today?"

"What contribution can you make towards this goal today?"

"What are you looking to others to contribute today?"

"Tell us the context that brings you to this meeting today."

Words that hold boundaries

Once you’ve established a strong space and developed it with a voice-equalising round, you can hold these boundaries you’ve set.

Someone focusing on their own achievements?

👉 Play back what they’ve said using We not You

Someone drowning out someone else?

👉 “One moment, I just want to hear what Pavel was going to say” (your gaze fixed on Pavel throughout)

Someone overemphasising their own needs?

👉 Restate the group’s shared goal

Someone going on the attack?

👉 Draw them back to the facts

Someone trying to claim credit?

👉 “All ideas are generously contributed, no ideas are owned today”

Someone getting bulldozed?

👉 “Jakob, what do you need from us here?”

The key is - diffuse, rebalance, pivot to facts. These are positive responses to egotism.

The understand about but negative responses are to (often subtlely) shame, undermine, ignore or contradict.

Resist. You may feel they deserve it but you are better than that.

BONUS: Leave your job title at the door

Now a slightly more off the wall technique. If I felt I could land it, I might use a playful technique to diffuse egos.

When we ran ideation sessions with corporates as part of the 50th Generation intrapreneurship programme, we would stage quite a lot of the session including a box at the door saying “Leave your job title at the door”

Yes, we were inviting people to put aside their specific role and domain expertise and to start to think as an intrepreneur. But we were also saying:

> Lay down your status.

> Lay down your seniority.

> Come as just you.

> Come with an open mind.

Ego is about identity. “You should respect me because…”

Ego invites people to defend.

A little bit of well placed humour can gently diffuse humour at the door.

There’s a time and a place for this. You’ll know it!