How I handle the most common meeting problem people raise with me: overtalking

Tangents, rabbit holes, weeds - what to do about overtalkers in meetings

Meeting time is precious because it’s high intensity. 

Say, 6 people, one hour, 100% focus (we hope).

When people talk 'too much' - they are usually either making the same point multiple times, going into too or going off on tangents / into weeds / down rabbit holes.

I’m going to tackle them together because often they co-exist and often the same people riff on them both.

Let’s not forget: tangents, weeds and rabbit holes can be genuinely helpful - detours in the right direction. 

If you’ve judged they aren’t in this particular meeting, here’s how to intervene:

The stages are simple but the execution is more nuanced.

 

First up - boundary setting.

Do this before the meeting and at the start of the meeting. 

By setting boundaries in advance:

- people are more likely to stick to them (i.e. self-moderate)

- others will use them to help you moderate the meeting 

- you can refer back to them and moderate people with less friction

 

Set a boundary by:

- giving the meeting a very specific purpose statement

- using questions to break down the content of the meeting

- using ‘will do / won’t do’ to highlight what’s NOT on the table

- Explaining how time will be used so people can take responsibility for their own contribution.

You might find my Super Clear Expectation Setting meeting invitation template helpful here.

Sometimes this is all you need to do.

 

And next - hold the boundary 

I use Validate, Appreciate, Boundary (VAB) - a structure for responding to almost any kind of conflict or issue in a meeting. 

Validate

Show you understand their point / their point matters

Appreciate

Value the highest intention you see 

Boundary

Refocus everyone on the content/behaviour/scope/constraints you set out at the beginning - or reinforce a boundary if needed

  

An example of using VAB for tangents

The meeting is about a critical upgrade on a system we are working on. Tomaz wants to talk about another upgrade happening on another system which he is really concerned about. 

Here what I might say:

Validate: "It’s really important that we understand what’s going on in parallel to this as we tackle [this upgrade]"

Appreciate: "Thank you Tomaz for flagging up [that other upgrade] so we have some more context"

Boundary: "Today said we would focus on [this upgrade]. In one sentence, what do we need to keep in mind about [that other upgrade] as we look at [this upgrade], Tomaz?"

You could also car park the other upgrade so Tomaz knows when it will be properly considered. Make an action point to come back to this, if you don't have a fully functioning car park system.

 

An example of VAB for too much detail:

Jenny is going into loads of technical detail about the upgrade which this team don’t need to understand and also repeating herself. There is lots to cover in this session and time is slipping away.

Validate: "Jenny, the technical detail is so important."

Appreciate: "Thank you for owning this."

Boundary: "We said we would do [all these things] today and we wouldn’t [talk about the technical detail] so let’s answer [this meeting question] together?"

And you might want to check if there is important content that IS for discussion today in there - “Jenny, in one sentence, what issues are arising from the system architecture you’re describing that we need to address today?” 

 

Don’t use these verbatim. Use VAB as three themes to weave together to respond to each situation. 

 

But how do you literally break the flow?

And the final question - how do you interrupt someone? What do you literally say and do to stop the flow so you can use VAB? 

I use my body language and word to convey a ‘supportive pause’ e.g. sometimes I might raise my hand (including on video) and say:

“Jonah, I’m just going to jump in one moment, is that ok?”

Now, another way I really like is to make an agreement at the start that you’ll use a visual cue to signal with someone is on a tangent or getting into too much detail. 

It could be that each person has a card with ‘hold on!’ written on it. This is best modelled in a light hearted, self-depreciating way, so I might say “OK, take a piece of paper, draw a rabbit on it and how about we give each other permission hold it up when we think someone just might be heading down a rabbit hole - me in particular!”

 

Boundary setting and holding is always driven by intention (am I serving myself or acting in service of the whole group?) and trust (do others believe you are acting in service of the whole group?).

Whatever words you use, check your intention.